Sober Sorting

What if every first few dates with someone new was sans alcohol? I wonder how many people would even get a second date. Talk about rose colored lenses. My favorite first dates have been sober. If I'm comfortable, attracted and interested with no alcohol, it's usually on. Last year I dated a man who doesn't drink. At first I was devastated to hear he didn't but looking back, it's my favorite getting to know one another time. Always up for adventure, I decided I wouldn't drink while with him. Being with him totally sober required a different way of being in the awkwardness of those first few months. From our first kiss to our first everything, we were fully present and aware, and I loved it. Sometimes it was uncomfortable not to ease certain moments with a glass of wine, but overall totally liberating. I never had those worries of, "oh my god, I said what?" Dating is awkward. But dating isn't the problem. Sorting is. People meet new people all the time. How we sort is the answer. And while there are many ways to sort (trust being number one), sober sorting is the best method I know for clear direction and answers. Of course, not all my first dates are sans booze, but if a date seems to have potential, I make a point to plan a sober outing right away. A hike, a walk on the beach, strip scrabble (just kidding!), anything that's fun and active in the light of day. Sober sorting is the new black. Sex-ay!

Wedding News

My Dad got married today. He's been dating Anne, a smart, vivacious and lovely woman for about 18 months. Recently she moved from Canada to live with him in Santa Barbara. This past Wednesday he called me to say he had "big news." They were getting married. They wanted a private ceremony and asked if I was available on Saturday?

My initial reaction was joy. I couldn't be happier for them because I truly believe they're a perfect match. But after saying I'd clear my schedule, I hung up the phone and sat in my car stunned. I didn't know what I was feeling but I couldn't move. A few minutes later, my sister Keisha texted asking if Dad had called me? I called her back and next thing I knew I was crying. Then I started sobbing. I explained to Keisha that I felt bad for crying because the sadness had nothing to do with them. The tears were because of my own longing for true love. I was ashamed at my selfishness. How did their wedding have anything to with me? Because the two of them finding one another against international odds brought up a deeply rooted cry of, "Where was mine?"

My sister let me cry until I couldn't anymore. We talked about what I was feeling and then I thanked her and said I had to go because I was meeting a friend for lunch and had to "get myself together." Which is the worst, by the way. Pretending to be happy when you're hurting is the epitome of all I'm against but I didn't want to cancel last minute. So I drove into Beverly Hills and met my friend for a lovely and fake lunch. As I was driving home, I started crying again. God, where was all this coming from? I'm happy being single. I don’t feel lonely. So why such despair? Once home and laying on my couch I realized it wasn't because I wanted a boyfriend. That was too small for a pain so big. So I continued digging and thought it was because my Dad getting married meant that I'd never be as close with him as I longed for now that he had Anne. Ooh, that seemed to hit the spot because I've spent a lifetime wanting more connection with him. But after sitting with those feelings for a long time it still didn't feel right so I decided to go deeper. What was I wanting? What was my soul literally crying out for? I felt like a desperate mother saying to her crying baby that can't speak yet, "What? What baby, what is it?" Then I got another hit. I wanted a deeper connection with myself. Well, that was just too exhausting so I fell asleep.

Meanwhile I had dinner plans with two new friends. I barely knew one and the other was her best friend and this was our first dinner so I wanted to feel "up" - not ideal timing. I don't know why but something said not to cancel. When I woke from my nap I was in a daze. The drama had subsided but I had a low level lingering. I didn’t get up. I just started breathing. One long breath at a time and then I got very still. I was present. In this presence, I was able to get the final piece of what the "wedding news" was trying to give. My longing is for connection not only with myself but with ALL - humanity, the world, the Universe and God*. And, it was already within me. That was the message. Nothing new and certainly not surprising, but for some reason and on this day, I got it. My heart had cracked open just a little bit bigger. I laid there for a long while with gratitude on my face. Then I got up showered and drove across town to meet my two new friends for what turned out to be one of the most magically fulfilling evenings in a long time. I never mentioned my day to them. I didn't need to. It was already complete and I was in a new now moment.

Why this day was so important to me is clear. If I had bypassed the original thought of "Where was mine?", I'd still be thinking I needed a relationship to be happy. But, because I was willing and unrelenting in my inquiry, I got to the root. So many times we check out and skip over what could be a beautiful message, if only we were present to receiving. And worse, we carry the blind spots within us and the effect shows up all over lives. We then become passive agressive or make poor choices in our attempt for pseudo connection. It takes courage to go that deep. And it takes enormous commitment to stay present with all that comes up. But my God, so worth it. If the very core of who I am is longing to be one with all, and I REMEMBER that I am, who will I be in the world? That "knowing" will drive my every action. That is, until I forget again.

Anyway, today was my Dad and Anne's wedding and it was perfect. They had a casual ceremony filled with lots of love on the roof of the Santa Barbara courthouse, where My Grandfather was a judge. As we were walking up, my Dad spoke fondly of his late Father and for a moment I thought I could feel my his presence. I smiled ...

Much love until more, xo


Original Post Date July 26, 2008. Re-posted per request.

Dating Sabbatical. Again.

I'm taking a break from dating. The next person I decide to go out with will be because I truly want to. This isn't my first sabbatical. Earlier this year I took four months off and it was a really good decision. I had just broken up with someone I had been seeing for about a year and needed time to sort through my feelings, process all I'd learned, and most importantly, figure out what I wanted going forward. That was an incredible time for me both professionally and personally. I learned much more about myself like: I'm not so good at dating. I'm really great on a first or second date and I've been told I'm a very good girlfriend, but the third or fourth date-to-relationship status gets me every time. I'm not alone in this. In general, women don't date. Almost every girl I know gets a little nuts when she likes a guy, but is forced to play it cool until or if it grows into something more. I'm not saying I'm an easy sell. That's my point. I meet a million people, so on that rare occasion when I meet someone I like (and I'm fairly certain it's mutual because he's actually said so), I dream of us SOARING into the unknown together.

Back to real life in Los Angeles.

Anyway, four months went fast but it was an incredibly productive time for me. In the interim, I ended up with a backlog of prospects. No joke. Seems many of my friends wanted to set me up with someone "amazing." So, by May I was dating again and going out on average four nights a week. I was exhausted. It's a funny thing what happens to a single woman in her thirties. You think you should go out and meet as many people as possible (even though you don't really want to) because "time" is flying by. Where's it flying to? We only have this now moment so what will I miss if I don't date? Absolutely nothing. For now, I'm choosing to fly solo again and it feels good. If that makes me a unicorn, I'm totally cool with that.

Too Personal

I posted something really personal a few days ago that generated a lot of attention. The range of opinions were wide. I decided to take it down because it was ultimately too personal. Writing doesn't come naturally for me. It takes me forever to write anything but I do it because it's deeply cathartic. I'm happy to express my transparency but there has to be a boundary. How does one draw the line? Maybe I did.